It is a horrible feeling
It is like PMS that never goes away
The first time i felt depression was when i was in and out of hospital
Then the bullying gt worse
I not only got bullied because of being mixed race
Now i got bullied because my only survival kit was steroids
My dad and me were really close and he didn’t want me to die
Unfortunately i gained a tonne of weight
Then my dad passed away and life was unbearable i was just ten and feeling so low
I felt like running away, but each time i ran i was found by the police
My mum was not happy, but it was worse for me if i made her cry
We both didn’t know what was going on
OH NO MY FRIENDS!
My mum decided to move to a smaller place and i didn’t want to move
I had two best buddies Ellie and Sammy!
It was pretty damn racist and a mother assaulted me at age 11 and the police decide to convict me
It was horrendous and he was shouting at my mum and being very disrespectful and so rude
I thought they were going to help us, but they were against us and the policeman was very racist
He said i am the trouble maker because i hated white people which was not true
People have fights in school, they were bullying and fighting me and 5 on 1 is not fair, but then it turned into 6 on 1 when the mother attacked me
WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT
My mum still stayed, but she hated how i was treated and was alone her friends were a bus away and some round the corner who were also my friends but she wanted to be close to my brother, but i never told her about the child abuse they did to me and my little brother
Or that we were terrified of his wife
His wife said she would kill my mum and my dad if i ever did!
DO YOU WISH YOU TOLD ?
Absolutely because now i am an adult i knew she was traumatizing us to save her own skin and when she attacked me in 2012 they didn’t believe me, so i told the police about the child abuse, but she did not get convicted for it, just a caution for assaulting me on my head and i suffer with Idiopathic Generalized Epilepsy…
It was terrible in that year i will say more after!
HOW DID THE MOVING GO?
Terrible; it was ok for my brother the good one (laughs)
He went into Junior school so i was stuck going to a new secondary school out of the Area so i had no friends that lived nearby and most of them found me weird.
I enjoy certain hobbies and i used to golf a lot and still do it, but its not very feminine where i live!
WHAT NEXT !!
Over the next couple of years my depression got worse.
Mum had a messy divorce, because one of her husbands Sexually assaulted me and he called the police because i threw a chair on him, but they couldn’t convict me because his finger prints were allover me .
This made life almost too unbearable and in school a stupid boy who lived in my area followed me home and he had sexually assaulted me, but i managed to call my brother and my mum called the police!
I was caught self harming by mixing cleaning products in my private school with water and drinking it!
It was a bully that caught me and she did it out of spite at the time, but i never thought i’d ever thank a bully for bullying me (Laughs)
OMG THEN WHAT HAPPENED!
oh my god my mum was crying, my siblings went insane.
My mum told them to shut up and stop saying horrible things, because i am very very sensitive and i hurt very easily!
I didn’t like aggressive people then and i still hate them (Laughs)
My mum got me into child therapy and i got really mad and told her she was embarrassing me and i began breaking things, but then i went and i felt better talking to my psychologist Lucy i still remember her (bless her) and i remember Jane too !
I told them also i felt bad when i get angry at my mum, because it made me feel bad so they taught me to control my anger especially when i was on my period seen as i didn’t get them regular it was very emotional and hard for me to cope.
I would often feel like crap and i did self harm really badly and cut my self real bad.
I remember being in hospital very late at night with a huge scar on my neck, which soon faded and i am so glad!
My siblings often made fun out of me which was not nice, they were supportive, but still took the piss and it was not nice and it still isn’t (cheap laughs) are for idiots!
I am still weird, the only time i feel overly emotional is during my menstruation which i straightened out by losing a tonne of weight!
HAS THE HARMING STOPPED?
I don’t self harm i stopped that in my mid teens when my friends and me got really close!
They lived far, but were the best friends in the whole wide world and i am still really really good friends with them, which i am so ever thankful and grateful for.
They understand me and do not take the piss and totally understand my health conditions and how i feel tired and weak as i now got through a list
Anxiety, depression (mild) pms (moderate) Vitamin D (bad) Iron (not good) Epilepsy
Ibs and Pcos and insomnia
So to top all of this off and having to deal with society and just people is what triggers emotional symptoms
I am a very fair person and understanding and really kind
People think i am mentally ill and i am stupid which is not true
I spotted somebody trying to take advantage on whatsapp the other day
Yes i was trying to be helpful and say give me what you want well i should have said give what you can, but so what it won’t make a difference
The dress is new and she wants to give me 5£ for a fully sequined maxi suit in three pieces
I do not think so and to top all i have keratoconus and may soon need a transplant i have to pay for
Facebook has very negative people who just sit and judge people
It is a photo and it is not any of your business either
Instagram i find a lot better and twitter and i can express myself a lot more !
WHAT ABOUT NOW ?
The more people got to know me the more they thought i was strange and stupid, but i realised a lot of envy and jealousy among certain people
They treated me very different when i was a size 24 !
As soon as i lost it a lot of people began spreading rumours that i had a boyfriend and that i was sleeping around and before i wasn’t because i was far, which makes no sense!
I still got asked out, but i am very old fashioned i just like to talk on the phone and be sensible and see if we have much in common.
It didn’t happen often, the women themselves used to try to set me up then if i refused the losers i was fussy and mental and i need a guy who is mental like i was.
Depression is a condition it does not mean people are mental and i want to say this one last time….
Most of you stupid ladies that approach me have never been to school !
One man that she suggested was a good match asked me strange questions so i refused to meet him when he asked me to measure each and every single inch of my body, head to toe during the time a 15 yr old said to me is he trying to imagine you naked?
He asked me my chest size in front of her so i left her to her pathetic match making!
She still insisted so i went with a friend and one glance frightened me it looked like my dad come back from the dead! WTF i am a young woman i don’t want somebody who is old enough to be my papa (NO OFFENCE)
So i got her to stop, but my sister kept listening to her persistence that i was ill in the head and not normal and now i do not get treated normally!
Though she insists and gets angry, but this is pathetic if anyone sees anything on my facebook they go to my solicitor and my judge Judy Sister!
She will spank you and they treat me like a child and think this is normal behaviour even though it is flaming Pathetic!
HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL?
Like crap and worthless, and meaningless, it has made me invisible and the kind of women who are supposed to be my role models are hurting me, some do it and forget about it, but i cannot help remembering it.
Over thinking and over analysing because i did tell these women i have a long term memory.
I could remember a guy having a crush on me from 5 years ago even 10 years ago !
It is just the way it is, i am forgiving, but you forgive these twats for the same thing to happen over and over again, but because we are sensitive we are always the bad people.
WHY DO YOU FIND IT HARD TO CHOOSE A PARTNER?
My ex’s one used to beat the crap out of me when nobody was around even though nowadays Judge Judy seems to think He was so kind and sweet…
Hello Daisy did you live with him? NO
He used to taunt me and bully me and then he was nice and then Mr Fierce turned on again and to top it all off he was married with kids while i was married to him.
I found out after finding a scratched card under a HUGE TV i am not talking LCD Flat screen plasma here no…
I called up customer services and they gave me the number i posed as a woman helping him, so i could spare her the heart ache after she was already crying because she and the kids missed him and i felt really bad!
So that was out of the window!
I married someone else, not long after and he cheated and i found out via facebook suggestions. She told me off coz i called him a rotten ugly hearted selfish careless stupid fish and said why i called her boyfriend that then i told her.
She said he doesn’t like you he likes me and if that wasn’t enough she sent me videos i had to see if it was him and it was so clear as day and so i recorded the screen via detachable webcam as his parents did not believe me.
I already bailed him out of prison for stealing and i was not going to keep going back and fourth abroad anymore to a guy who did not even love me!
So I ended it within months, he tried to get back in contact recently via instagram, but i reported his messages as spam on there and on my new facebook!
I feel frightened and anxious with guys and often question whether or not they like me…
Will i feel depressed like i did with them, inferior and insecure.
I am not perfect, i can have my confident, happy days, but certain situations make me very anxious i would say the anxiety bothers me more than the depression.
The feelings i feel now or more to do with PMS symptoms!
YOU BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH!
Yes i have and i just think its good to let it all out…
HOW DO YOU COPE!
I often turn to God and i pray an awful lot!
I only engage with kind people who do not hurt me or think negative of me.
I like positive surroundings in my life because i am very positive and like to spread positive energy.
In my teens i did voluntary Youth work and it helped me with the self harming they paid me for holidays and then i did it at age 16-18 for a job and also I did loads of paper rounds to help me cope i used to do 6 in my teens…
So one at 4 am that was until 5 am.
Then i would sleep til 5-30 then quickly shower up and get ready, if i had to do my make up on the bus i would (laughs)
I got to breakfast club, had my breakfast and they let me out as i had special permission.
7-45-8-30 was my second paper round. then i did one during lunch. 12-30-1-15.
I did one straight after school in the area 3-30 until 4-15 then i would go home do my other 2 locals until 6 pm it made me already sleepy so i used to eat and do my homework and i was knocked out by 8 pm!
WOW THAT IS HARD WORK!
Yes it was hard, but i used to earn £60 a week from this and i also got paid for my youth work on a weekend for one hour which was 10£ !
I used to scurry down to town to do my Saturday jobs which earned me £30
£15 for market work then i did the barber shop £15
If i had time they would give me an extra £10 for helping 6 market stalls tidy up!
So i earned £400 a month and plus my mum used to give me £10 a week for cleaning (Laughs and my brother) it made it £480 and i would often do my neighbors lawn so i earned £500 !
I began doing it since i was 13 so by the time i was 16 years old i had almost 18,000 in savings.
Which unfortunately was gone due to having a savings account with my ex!
WTF? how did you feel after?
I got a little depressed after that, but to be honest i was just glad he was out of my life!
I knew i could make the money back if i wanted to, but it would be harder for me having several medical conditions, but i try!
DO YOU WISH YOU SPENT IT?
No not really, i do remember what felt worse than that, was my dad made me a gorgeous necklace in 24 carat gold and he imprinted my name on the necklace…
They could have just taken the freaking chain and left my Pendant!
That was just pure evil!
A lot of people stole things from us, which i remember and it hurt a lot, my mum was so naive and they really took advantage of her whilst she was grieving, but i did not let it happen this time i made sure i was with her all the time after my step dad died (the good one Laughs)
DO YOU ENJOY BEING ALONE?
Well Yes and no; i do want to settle, but only with a man who can truly understand me or otherwise he should just forget me!
DO YOU FEEL JUDGED ?
Yeah all the time, like why do i use my money on this or on that and i can do what i want it is my life and if i enjoy concerts and performers then people should back off and graduate law school!
The best thing is to ignore people and to know some people are too stubborn to accept truth and often may not understand or remember what they did or said!
I do forget, but then they revert back to old habits! They treat me terrible and i am always alone, because i do not like arguments and i am not a gossip and i just like keeping myself to myself!
I moved out after getting assaulted and i took my cat Twilight with me…
The neighbors are kind to me and to my cat and we like it there, unfortunately i tried to move out of the area to be away from the assaulter and bad news, but there is a reason Lord has me here i did hear from some nice people it would never be the same without me very recently which was so kind of them to say it, but see not all people are bad!
To be continued…